Preparing for Birth and Postpartum as a Single Mom
While I have an amazing husband who has supported me during my last two births and postpartum period, that was not the case with my first born. I had been living in Kansas City for a little over a year working as a server and finishing up my degree online for a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. I had just moved into an apartment by myself, bought a brand-new car, and felt like I was really getting this adulting thing when I saw those 2 lines on a pregnancy test. Talk about an unexpected change to my lifestyle that I was currently living!
I reached out to Parkville Women’s Clinic to get a dating ultrasound done as I was on birth control, so I honestly had no idea how far along I was. Something changed when I saw the little flutter on that ultrasound, and I knew I had some major decisions to make regarding how I wanted to raise this baby. At the time, my relationship with LynnLee's dad was on and off. More off than it was on, and not the healthiest of relationships. He decided early on that he didn’t want to be involved so from about 11 weeks pregnant on, it was all on me. (He later became involved when LynnLee was around 8 months old, and now is a very active aspect in LynnLee's life to which we co-parent very well together.)
1. The first thing I needed to do and figure out was my income, and how I was going to afford to take a “maternity leave” even if that just meant a few weeks post birth. I interviewed for a position at my current construction company that I knew would be a pay cut, but the hours would be more manageable for childcare during the day. Thankfully, I got the job! I started working there and then I was still serving nights and weekends to try and save as much money as possible. I was working 60-70hr weeks between the two jobs until I was around 38 weeks pregnant. Without this income, I wouldn’t have been able to afford to stay home the 6 weeks that I did.
2. I made the decision not to be sad. Sure, there were days where I was lonely, and longed for those cute relationships that you see in movies, but I didn’t have the time to be sad. This also made me process this break-up in a very healthy manner. Prior to this, I probably would’ve gone out with my girlfriends and drank incredibly too much and more than likely would’ve sent a drunk text that I would’ve regretted in the morning. Remember- I was 22 years old when I got pregnant, just an itty baby. Now I was reading books, spending quality time with friends, who I alienated myself from prior to pregnancy due to the relationship, and worked. I rarely thought about the fact that it would just be me bringing this baby home.
3. I surrounded myself with my rock-solid village. I’m not originally from Kansas City. I don’t have any family here. My mom was a single mom for most of my life, and I knew how much she had relied on my grandparents for assistance. I knew I wouldn’t have that so I leaned heavily on my friends. I met my current best friend, Kathleen, while I was pregnant and babysitting her kiddos. There is something so important about having mom friends. If you are a pregnant single-mom, or even a pregnant mom with an involved partner, find mom friends! Having someone to text when you are just exhausted from being pregnant, or your baby is crying, and you don’t know why, is invaluable. Kathleen was my rock. She acted as my “doula” of sorts as she had two previous unmedicated births (which is what I desired) and she agreed to be in the delivery room with me for support. I also had another friend, Michelle, who went to most of my prenatal appointments with me, so I didn’t feel so alone all the time when it came to decisions for the baby. It was so nice having another person excited to hear the heartbeat and be there through all the medical conversations. My other best friend, Lexi, also found out she was pregnant about two months after I did so we were both young, pregnant, and single throughout most of our pregnancies together. Needless to say, while I didn’t have family—I never felt alone.
4. I decided early on that I wasn’t comfortable having the dad in the room for delivery. He made me anxious and that was just not something I wanted to even think about while trying for an unmedicated delivery. Once I was settled in the postpartum room, we let him know LynnLee was born and safe, and he could come and visit whenever.
There was a moment in the hospital where I had a breakdown. I think this was one of the few times that I had cried since finding out I was pregnant. LynnLee was crying, I was exhausted, and nothing I was doing was keeping her calm. I was alone in the hospital room and realized it was all on me. No one would be there in the middle of the night to help with feeds, diaper changes, rocking, or keep me company. Probably one of my lowest moments as a single mom, but I pulled myself together. I called down to the nurse’s station and asked for a binky.
Postpartum with LynnLee is a bit of a blur. My final semester of classes started the day after LynnLee was born and I was enrolled in 15 credit hours. Not my smartest of decisions. There were days where LynnLee would be “fussy” and I needed to write papers or complete tests, so I would wrap her up on me with my Moby, and finish my tests that way. I also learned that as a mom, procrastination was no longer a thing, or at least when it came to deadlines. I had typically waited until Sunday to complete all my assignments, and it always seemed like that was the day that LynnLee was excessively cranky. I would visit Kathleen frequently, as she was a stay at home mom, and was able to keep me company during the day. I went back to serving at 4 weeks postpartum and would work 1-2 shifts a week depending on when Kathleen or Kat could watch her. I then went back to the office at 7 weeks postpartum and served on Sundays. Tuesday or Thursday evenings I paid for a sitter to hangout with LynnLee as I did homework. Saturday was my one day with LynnLee without any interruptions once I went back to work. Being a single mom is hard. Being the sole income in a house that also is paying for childcare is hard. I missed so much in those first 7-8 months of LynnLee’s life due to me having to work to make sure there was food, a house, a car, and money for diapers.
Overall, LynnLee’s pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience made me strong. Made me strong in all aspects of what it means to solely take care of another person without any assistance from anyone else. She will always be my sweetie girl and my best friend. Big picture looking back, I wouldn’t change anything. Everything I walked through taught me something and made me a better mom and friend. Be kind to other moms. You never know if they have support when they go home. If you are a single mom looking for a listening ear—I am here. I will listen.
